The battle of friendships and God's entourage

When I was a child, I didn’t have friends. Speaking with my mother about it she stated I stayed to myself and enjoyed my own company. As an adult I think about this a lot, especially now that we have the phrase “girls, girls”.  I’ve experienced terrible friendship break ups that left me thinking, did I do something wrong? Was it something I said? After investigating the purpose of friendship through trial and error, I came to the solution – I don’t think I was meant to have friends.

If your someone who believes the saying “if it’s meant to be, it will be” then you understand where I’m going with this. Sure, it’s great to see a girl group hanging out, having fun, gossiping and laughing. Do I envy them? Somewhat. I know the reality of a multi-friend group is everyone is passing dirty secrets around, being fake with each other and out of the four girls in the group only two are truly friends. Weird right? That’s not something I want to be a part of, never, not even on my death bed. Flip side to that, I do enjoy seeing women together because when we are not trying to kill each other we are cool to be around and reassurance from women feels better then reassurance from men.

A drunk girl complimenting you in the bar bathroom = A great boost of confidence!

Lord knows I’ve tried to maintain friendships with people, but I can’t control what people do or say. I lost friends due to life gently separating us, jealousy or deceit, sometimes all three! What I’ve been observing so far is that we are groomed into mistaking friendship as a romantic relationship. I get it, when you have a best friend, you guys get dressed and go out, talk 24/7, hang out with each other family members, etc. It’s like a romantic relationship without sex involved, I understand how the lines can get blurred easily.

At 27 years old, I’ve finally made it my business to be my own best friend. Not to sound loud and proud but that’s my reality. After so many failed attempts, I’ve accepted that maybe, just maybe I’m not supposed to have friends and what if God mission is for me to experience everything individually? What if I’m only supposed to have surface level friendships and that be enough? I think it’s enough for me because I am an acquired taste for sure lol. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, maybe I’m too hot, too small, too fragile? I don’t know… just thinking out loud here lol.

My mother reassuring that my childhood wasn’t filled with friends brings me great comfort that I’m not crazy and maybe this is all by design. I could be easily trying to force something that’s not meant to be due to society standards and propaganda. I dislike when a woman says she doesn’t have female friends and everyone boo’s her like it’s her fault. Are there situations where you can easily tell why women don’t have female friends? Yes. It’s not fair to assume we are all under the same “I don’t have female friends” umbrella everyone reason is different and should be respected before judge. The definition of a “friend” keeps changing and I can’t keep up with the currents. One day you’ll see someone on the internet say, “a real friend will always be there for you” next minute it’s “adulting is understanding we are all going through something”. What is with you people lmao! Which one is it? Do you guys want friends or are you guys looking for a therapist? I don’t know but it’s getting weird lmao.

Random search on Reddit

Random search on Reddit

Before I agree to let anyone in my life I read their personality, and pay attention to details to see if I hold the space in my life and mental capacity to birth a new friendship. I don’t judge (sometimes) I observe a lot and carefully. People should get in the habit of doing this exercise, so they don’t end up with a friend out of guilt. Your friends should compliment you and the lifestyle you want to embody, that’s not being calculated as some would argue, it’s honestly knowing what you want.

I’m the type of friend you can call anytime to discuss anything, if I didn’t want you to have my number you wouldn’t have it. I don’t care how you live your life unless it’s going to threaten your security and I may voice my concern about it. You don’t have to dress, talk or act like me, I give everyone space to be themselves around me. I’m great at keeping secrets because I will forget what you told me lmfao! I take everything to grave because I deeply believe in shame and embarrassment, somethings don’t need to be said twice lol. Don’t call my phone to complain about that shitty man if you're not going to leave him, my solution to everything is moving on. If a man hits you and decide to stay with him, consider our friendship dead, I don’t tolerate domestic abuse.

I had someone say I WAS A BAD FRIEND because I didn’t want to stick around and watch her, and her boyfriend abuse each other. What world are we living in? Every day I understand why people move into the woods and isolate themselves lmfao, I’m so close to joining them. If I’m a terrible friend because I refuse to allow someone to mentally drain me, then I guess I’m a shitty friend. Oh, well! I work hard to reach the level of gratitude and peace I’m currently at and I only expect myself to reach greater depths of tranquility.

I wasn’t born into a safe environment or family; I witnessed a lot at a young age. Now that I am grown it’s my business to give myself a safe place to evolve. Nobody owes me a damn thing nor am I asking for sympathy. I require a great amount of space and it’s either you respect it or remove yourself from my life.

If you have the same friends since pre-school, great!

If you have the same friends since college, great!

That’s not going to be everyone friendship story, it doesn’t make them less attractive in the friendship market it just means shit happens! Life comes at us fast in various forms!

I’m not religious but if you’re new here I reference God a lot lmfao! Baby listen, I’m at the big age where I believe God entourage is enough for me, let me explain. I don’t mind getting to know people as I’m passing by via work, vacation, traveling, taking a walk, etc. Quality over quantity! My best moments with humans just so happen to be short and sweet and never seeing them again, sort of like a one-night-stand. I understand people crave deep intimacy but life itself is intimate and maybe that’s why it’s easy for me to stand alone. I am a passionate woman, not only during sex, when I’m cooking, cleaning, reading, writing, walking, etc. I’m not saying I don’t value human connection I just refuse to force it. I want it when it’s natural… when it’s ready.