I don't have daddy issues

I fall in love everyday. Not with people but with situations. - Amy Winehouse

Samantha Jones

My father has been incarcerated for 22 years of my life and I’m 27 years old. If I look hard enough in my apartment, I’ll find prison letters and happy birthday cards from my father. When I was young, I dreaded going to social gatherings in fear of having to introduce not only myself but that my father is incarcerated for murder. Blank stares, some walked away, and others gave me their condolences as if I said he’s no longer with the Earth. At a young age it dawned on me that people judge you for who your parents are… ouch, is that necessary? I’m an extension of the people who birth me not a piece of property. Once I take my first breath on my own and the doctors cut the life cord can the world see me independently from my parents? As an adult, sadly, the world is plagued by “reputation” which I consider to be false advertising. There are two different kinds of reputations: the kind you build and the kind that’s given to you via embryo.

I didn’t ask for the reputation that was given to me via embryo, hell, I didn’t know my mother was my mom until I reached the age of remembering, who’s who and what’s what. Judging someone based off who their parents are is dishonorable, considering we all have different fingerprints. Yes, my father is guilty of a crime he committed while in college, what does that have to do with me? I’m my father’s first child and daughter, I believe he has served enough time in prison for his reckless, impulsive decision to murder someone over a childish dispute. I haven’t committed a crime, why must I suffer from a trigger that wasn’t weighed down by my perfectly soft, manicured hands? Oh right… I know why, it’s because “children are a product of their environment.” Bullshit.

When people meet me, they assume I come from a well-educated and established family, little do they know, I was born into a beautiful, twisted storm. Young teenage parents, one in prison, the other chasing love, grandparents having legal guardianship of me, shared bedrooms, no privacy, sometimes the lights were on, sometimes the water was off kind of thing, I trust you to figure out the rest lol. People are drawn to me because I carry myself like the immortals, sea-nymph essence, vampiric body language, flowery musk pheromone and animals respect me. I built that reputation from reading fictional books at a young age and always wanting the opposite of what everyone else had. Psychology says our parents “make” us, the only solid thing I ever received from my parents were their DNA, the rest is gibberish.

When I began dating I noticed men became uninterested in me, yes, this is a true story lol. According to average men, they would rather date a woman who father is present in her life vs dating a woman who father isn’t, to men, the difference between those kind of women are night and day. I consider myself immortal, I don’t carry human flesh, I’m never shocked when someone doesn’t like me. People don’t like themselves, why should I lose sleep over someone lacking taste in fine wine? They all said the same thing, “I think you have daddy issues A’nyezah.” “Maybe you should talk to someone.” “Do you still talk to your father?” I am the queen of disturbing “peace” I lost count how many times, I called for the check, ask the guy to turn around in heavy traffic due to me being annoyed and turned off. A man has ONE time to dissatisfy me and he’ll never smell my pussy again. In 2024, dates feel like an interrogation with cameras in the corner, when it should feel like a new comforter you just brought from the store and can’t wait to feel. The new kids on the block don’t know anything about courting a woman who isn’t of this realm, that’s why I date older men, they give me the theatrics my soul desires.

I don’t have daddy issues, last time I check I don’t have issues at all. The only issues I’ll ever have is when I’m gracing the cover of VOGUE or Harpers Bazaar (let me dream in peace). Men love insecure women, it’s easier to manipulate them into being losers. Preying on their confidence and comfortably failing them between the sheets. I am a man’s worst nightmare. I adore the thrill of controlling the room, shattering egos, reminding them what great d*ck feels like and the appropriate size. I don’t seek the male gaze or validation, there’s nothing there but broken condoms, debt and terrible hygiene.

Navigating the dating world without my father was different, I found out a lot of things about men on my own. The beauty of not having my father present in my life is that it made me self-sufficient, independent, witty with great a vagina. There’s an abundance of words that can leave my mouth floor because I don’t live with a man, I have a job and a car. I don’t have to kiss ass to keep a roof over my head unlike some women who embarrass me daily (that’s a topic for another day). Women should live alone before living with men, not up for debate, a woman’s journey is long and arduous, highs and lows, circling backwards and walking into shit that doesn’t align. Perfect comedic timing or a pure relief of solitude, either or. Women are at their best when they are alone! Men can’t handle women who don’t need their input so I guess I’ll always be a “bitter” girl with “daddy issues” due to not allowing men to have access to my self-esteem and internal monologue. I trust myself and the beat of my heart, I made a promise to myself that I always will.

I didn’t tell you about my father for you to feel bad for me, I’m not a charity case, please lmfao. It bothered me as a child and now that I’m a grown woman I outgrew needing him around. I’m sure it would be nice to have an active father in my life to help direct me but I honestly enjoy directing myself, the good and bad. The dark part of me believes this was Gods plan to shape me into the immortal being I always wanted to be. Maybe the broken home and lack of security made up for it in my personality, talents, character and blessings. I’m not ashamed that I don’t have it all or figured out, nobody has life figured out, everyone is winging this shit with a tight grip.

Before I end this essay, I would like to admit that my father being a murderer plays a part in what kind of men are attracted to me. I love my father for the cheek bones and perfect smile he passed down to me but I love my peace and confidence more. Confidence is a chore, you can’t let anyone know about this inside job, you must keep everyone out of it, you build a relationship with your self esteem and never neglect it for a soul on this earth. Your partner may wake up and decide to leave you, money and confidence never will.

p.s I cut my father off 2 years ago, all communication has been severed. All rise for the Queen. :)